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October 8th, 2006
06:59 am - Cold and ugly.
I have made mistakes.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
However, I was wrong.
Terribly wrong.
I have lost so many important people in my life.
Because I was afraid.
I was afraid of myself.
Of hurting others.
Because I cared what others thought.
Like it really matters when it comes to such things.
Because I was insecure.
Because I did not know what to do.
Because I thought, I was doing the right thing.
Then something happened.
And my feelings were hurt.
I retracted from myself and became bitter.
Lashing out.
At myself.
Others.
Pushing all that I have ever truly loved away from me.
Lost and confused.
Making matters worse.
Now all that I have are memories.
Nothing tangible.
I brought all of this upon myself.
I will never again be able to hold the ones that once made me feel whole.
I became my own victim.
Yeah, sure, things will get better.
I have it nice right now.
Everything is great.
Except for my mistakes.
I can't believe that I acted in such ways.
I was wrong.
So very wrong.
And I still am.
Current Music: Aphex Twin
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12:07 am - intriguing
Had a good time.
Although it got a bit odd for me at times.
Very interesting how things work out.
Good people.
Great time.
Fun.
Glad that I decided to go.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/tired.gif) tired
Current Music: Aphex Twin
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October 3rd, 2006
08:50 pm - Precious memories.
All the suffering we go through in our life is worth it.
Holding on to all the love that's been given to us in precious memories.
Never throw such things away.
No matter how much you want to forget all the pain you've felt.
I'd do it all again if I could.
If you love something enough you should let it go.
Or so I've heard.
I wonder, is it possible to forget about something that you once loved so much?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/embarrassed.gif) loved
Current Music: Benny Benassi
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October 1st, 2006
08:22 pm - "Interesting" thought.
I don't get it anymore.
Yeah sure, I understand and think about things.
A lot.
But nothing seems to be normal anymore.
Everything has it's own little quirks and twists.
This leads me to believe that there is no norm.
Abnormal?
Everyone is included in everything and if everything has its quirks and twists then everyone has the same.
People like to say they're one of a kind, but in a sense are they really?
If everyone tries to be an individual do they succeed?
By being different are they the same?
Difference in resemblance.
Current Music: The Prodigy
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September 16th, 2006
04:20 pm - "?'s that lead to what?"
I see what I've become.
I want to look back.
To be happy.
But am I now?
Will I ever truly know?
Want.
Need.
Lies.
Make it better now.
Make it whole.
Make it perfect.
Perfection is a myth.
A fucking lie.
Nothing is perfect.
You're a puppet to everyone's will.
You think you're in control, but you're not.
You're lost.
We're all lost.
Hoplesss.
Lost.
Empty.
Nothing.
Bring peace to our lies.
Our false hope.
Our dream.
Wanted to be hostile.
Wanting to be hostile.
A sound state of mind.
Perfection.
Just another lie.
Build me up to break me down.
Again.
And again.
And again.
You hate it.
You need it.
To feel better.
To be lost.
Helpless.
Loosing all hope is freedom.
Your a slave to your own desires.
Your own wants.
Your needs.
Your hate.
You love it.
You think otherwise.
You've become what you've always hated.
You're nothing.
Fake.
Lies.
Love it.
Current Music: Depeche Mode
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September 10th, 2006
02:26 am - Good vibes.
My favorite addiction.
Current Music: The Mars Volta
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September 8th, 2006
08:36 pm - Good things bring such important feelings
One good action.
One small insignificant act of kindness and compasion can make everything better.
It heals.
It heals all the bullshit you've had to put up with and bear throughout your life.
A touch.
A hug.
A kiss.
"Thank you."
Important.
Such a simple thing makes you realize that all the shit everyone has put you through was trivial.
Fuck them.
Their loss.
You're better off.
And you hope it hurts.
This is when you feel guilt.
Kind hearted.
Forgiving.
Warm.
Nice.
Too nice.
Current Music: The Faint
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September 5th, 2006
10:17 pm - rollercoaster
Emotions are interesting.
At times they can be delightful.
And at others they can be bothersome.
The decisions one makes while filled with feelings of joy and love are different from that of sorrow and hate.
How all rational behavior seems to be an unwanted option when confronted with such strong emotions.
Oh, the mistakes we make.
How we pay for it in the end.
Which makes matters worse.
Everything seems like it is worth it once one looks back and truly reflects upon situations presented in the past and our reactions and how the outcome became so.
All the love.
And all the pain.
How we hated how it happened.
How we wouldn't of had it any other way.
But of course you want the fairy tale ending.
Who doesn't?
You just wouldn't be the same though.
That's when you ask yourself that train wrecker of a question, "Am I happy?"
Current Music: Black Sabbath - Paranoid
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August 31st, 2006
08:36 pm - Odd.
How much one realizes about themself in a short period of time is amazing.
What is also amazing is thinking about certain outcomes in life if you did different things at a certain part in your life.
Acted a different way.
Said different things.
Gave up.
Did your best.
Where and what exactly would you be if you rewound your life...and did the exact opposite of everything you thought was good and just?
Would you be happy?
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Gary Numan - Asylum
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06:41 pm - Repeat.
And how you think you're at the bottom.
And then something happens.
and turns your whole outlook around.
How you think, and know, that you're totally replacable.
That someone who acts just like you will fill your place.
And you'll be a memory.
And for some small reason something clicks.
You're happy.
And it starts all over again.
Current Music: Gary numan - Tracks
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06:13 pm - How things change...
It's funny how things change.
or how they don't.
The harder you try to prevent something, the more it happens.
The more you tell yourself "It'll be fine, I won't do this again."
The more it happens to you.
And it hurts so much more each time.
And you have no idea that it's really happening until it's almost too late.
What do you do?
Stop and try to fix everything...
...Or just keep going?
The worst part about it all is that you can't say sorry.
Because sorry doesn't do a fucking thing.
The only thing sorry can really do is make it worse.
That's when you just let go.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/sad.gif) sad
Current Music: M.E. - Gary Numan
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August 28th, 2006
06:05 pm - ?
I am the voice that hardly anyone listens to.
I sit and watch.
I wait.
I enjoy.
I think.
I'm the one that thinks he has problems.
Small problems.
Problems that most ignore.
Ignorance is bliss.
I choose to be miserable.
I think.
My life revolves around thinking.
Around problems.
Other's.
My own.
I think.
I bide.
I wait.
I help.
And still no one listens.
And if they decided to...it's not important.
And then I think some more.
And wait.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
I think I would want to be heard.
But then I'd be lying.
It's all I know.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/smile.gif) calm
Current Music: The Prodigy - Wake up Call
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05:59 pm - "L"
Life is tragic.
We live.
We learn.
We lose.
We hurt.
We die.
Constantly trying to solve our prblems.
Improve.
Refine.
Learn.
Perfect.
Failure.
Another mistake.
Pain.
Depression.
All that perfection in vain.
It's all pointless.
We forgive and forget.
We still hurt.
Covering our pain.
With insecurities and nosense.
We live.
All in vain.
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: The Prodigy - Hotride
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05:48 pm - I don't care.
You can hurt me.
I don't care.
You can love me.
I don't care.
You can make me feel alive.
I don't care.
You can make me feel worthless.
Pointless.
Helpless.
Nothing.
I don't care.
I learn from my pain and mistakes.
You help me by hurting me.
I don't care.
Please, do your worst.
Help me.
I don't care.
Meaning so much to me.
Building me up.
Breaking me down.
I don't care.
It will end in the same way.
I don't care.
In the end it won't matter.
Make me feel alive.
Make me whole.
I don't care.
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: The Prodigy - Girls
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May 15th, 2006
04:58 pm - Haiku
Haiku that are true.
1.
Money makes it work
Who needs friends when you're loaded
Just buy everything
2.
Blood, violence, anger
It's been in us forever
What were made on
3.
I can't feel a thing
Doing anything I want
Nothing can stop me
4.
All I hear are lies
Why do you do this to me
What the fuck is wrong
5.
Wanting it this way
Wouldn't be who I am now
If everything changed
6.
Wanting this so much
I need this so much right now
Make me happy now
7.
Not feeling a thing
I can take anything on
Why don't you try me
8.
Stop right here right now
We must end this all right now
Let it be finished
9.
Whatever it takes
Doing anything I want
Never stopping me
10.
We all must go free
Now if the time to be free
Taking what is ours
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/blank.gif) numb
Current Music: Atari Teenage Riot - Start the Riot
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May 12th, 2006
05:36 pm - Haiku
Yeah yeah yeah...
1.
Needing something new
Wanting love from another
Needing it right now
2.
I can't wait until
Doing it all over now
This shall be quite fun
3.
I find this funny
Why do some seem to care so
When they don't like me
4.
Headaches are a bitch
But not as much as Oprah
Too much damn money
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/blah.gif) bored
Current Music: Nine Inch Nails - The Collector
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May 11th, 2006
05:10 pm - Haiku
I wrote more. Blow me again.
1.
Here we go again
Not caring what happens now
Hoping to change that
2.
Not doing a thing
Wanting to do so much more
Can't make up lost time
3.
Things will get better
Changing everything I hate
Can't ignore it though
4.
What do I want so
Everything I never had
I want them so bad
5.
What is total trust
How can you know who to trust
Difficult to find
6.
Why has this happened
Must of been meant to happen
This is how it is
7.
This has a meaning
What will we learn from it all
Waiting for answers
8.
Double bladed sword
Using this to help me out
I will start a new
9.
Watching from a far
So afraid to interact
Wanting to be them
10.
Head-butt a brick wall
I want to end it all now
Not caring at all
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/weird.gif) weird
Current Music: Nine Inch Nails - The Becoming
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May 9th, 2006
08:51 pm - Haiku
I am an 18 year old male who is quite pathetic, has issues and likes writing about things he shouldn't care about. Blow me.
1.
I'm wanting to know
Can't seem to shake this question
Not wanting to know
2.
I need to do this
Afraid of what may happen
Wanting to find out
3.
Will you forgive me
I don't know how to react
We're losing all hope
4.
I can't handle it
Emotion Roller coaster
What will change it all
5.
Longing for old times
Wanting what I cannot have
Can't get over it
6.
Still having feelings
Seeming to still care for them
Having no reason
7.
Stuck on times since past
Longing for what made me whole
Wishing it would work
8.
Tired of trying
Rejection, anger, sorrow
Happily depressed
9.
Think what you want to
I could fucking care less now
Call me a liar
10.
Caring "so much" now
You should mean nothing to me
But do you really
11.
Wanting an outlet
Getting close to finding one
Blow them all away
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/bouncy.gif) ecstatic
Current Music: Dave Chappelle as "Fisticuffs"
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May 8th, 2006
08:03 pm - Haiku
I wrote them all.
1.
I'm going crazy
I can't handle it right now
I need to change it
2.
Looping in my head
I can't get over these thoughts
Torturing my brain
3.
STFU noob
Spamming, flaming uber noob
U R teh suxxorz
4.
You are so lost now
What ever happened to you
Oh how you changed so
5.
What a stupid kid
Your mom was dissed, what the fuck
Think of something fresh
6.
This is important
Are you listening to me
Are you listening
7.
Losing all control
Wanting to let it all out
Knowing it won't work
8.
Getting better now
For the time being that is
Something will happen
9.
Knowing it will kill
Doing it for the feeling
Caring less about one self
10.
Totally pointless
Knowing it does not matter
Caring none the less
11.
This is about you
Don't take it personally
Finding this funny
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/smileys/okay.gif) okay
Current Music: Gary Numan- Random
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05:10 pm - Better?
Everything feels better once you openly admit what is bothering you.
Although it doesn't fix everything permanently, it sure does help heal the wound for the time being.
A bandage of happiness...
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Gary Numan - Asylum
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